| Series: Northern Exposure | |
| Episode: 4.14: "Grosse Point 48230" | |
Transcribed by: lilycat | |
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Notes: It is preferable that you provide a link rather than directly copy this transcript to your site. However, if you really want to, please credit jamesmarsters-justmagic.com and keep the rest of this header intact. Notes: The DVD release of this series is in progress - it is not yet available. Notes: My tape starts after the credits. Not much is missing… if you can fill it in, be my guest. | |
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Cast: |
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MAGGIE and JOEL are in his office. MAGGIE: …Stick in the mud! Where is your sense of adventure? JOEL: Are you deaf? I mean do you not understand the English language - N.O.! Forget it - end of discussion, please! MAGGIE: Fleishman. Fleishman. Please, it is my Grammy's 80th birthday…it's just two days. Two days. All expenses paid, it will not cost you a dime. Everything's on me. JOEL: You know you are unbelievable. I just can't believe all this trauma and expense so you just don't have to face your family without a boyfriend in tow. MAGGIE: Great Middle Eastern food in Detroit, Fleishman - lamb kebabs, baba ghanoush, tabbouleh… JOEL: What happened to Mikey, huh? Didn't want to miss his mung bean harvest, or maybe a weekend in Detroit didn't exactly light his lamp either. MAGGIE: Fleishman, you know he cannot survive the sealed environment of an airplane - besides, the monoxides in Detroit would kill him. JOEL: O'Connell, I am not going. You know if it was a weekend in Hawaii, or Hong Kong - London, maybe I'd do you a favour, but - we're talking Detroit. What do they call it, Cleveland without the glitter? There is nothing that you or anybody else could say to make me want to spend a weekend in Detroit. MAGGIE: (pulls out tickets) Are you sure about that Fleishman? JOEL: What are those? MAGGIE: Tickets. JOEL: To what? MAGGIE: Pistons. JOEL: Those are Pistons tickets? Detroit Pistons tickets? MAGGIE: Mhm. JOEL: Nah. Nice try though. MAGGIE: Lets see, what does it say here? Detroit Pistons…versus New York Knickerbockers. JOEL: The Knicks. You got Knicks-Pistons tickets? MAGGIE: Floor seats. Centre court. JOEL: Let me see these…Let me see these. (takes tickets) Where d'you get these? You can't get these. These are floor seats. Knicks-Pistons, centre court. MAGGIE: Both leave Saturday morning. Don't forget your toothbrush. MAGGIE leaves the office. Credits. MAGGIE and JOEL are at her house. MAGGIE is packing and talking to her mother on the phone, JOEL is sat reading a paper. MAGGIE: No mother, it's fine you're not meeting us. No, I'm not just saying that, really. We need a car anyway. What? Airbags? Okay mom, we'll get a car with airbags. Who? The Caffey sisters, yeah…Reverend Harding, yeah. Mom? This isn't really the time to go over the guest list okay? We're kind of in a hurry. Yes, eight o'clock. Mother? I think we're getting a bad connection, I'll see you later mother. Byee. She puts the phone down and speaks to Joel. MAGGIE: What am I doing? Why? Who am I kidding, I mean why do I think every time I go home it's gonna be different? JOEL: This guy Mason? The Knicks guy from New Jersey? I don't know why they let him go - guy's a jewel. He starts tonight, him and Ewing in the middle there's gonna be a wall around the pink. MAGGIE: Well, it'll be worth it to see my Grammy. After all she is gonna be eighty years old. She's really sweet, I love her. She used to let me stay up late and play Gin Rummy. JOEL: I gotta tell you O'Connell, I've had good seats before. I saw the NCAA Eastern Regionals from second-row loads, but I never sat on the floor. You're gonna have to towel Patrick Ewing's sweat of my face! MAGGIE: It's just my mother, she's relentless. She's like a perpetual motion emotional machine, she just doesn't let up. And then of course there's Jeffey…Mr trickle-down economics. JOEL: Your brother. MAGGIE: Oh, I forgot. You'll probably like him, Fleishman. JOEL: Let's put this into perspective, okay? Whatever happens with kith or kin, you are gonna have yourself one hell of a seminal basketball experience. MAGGIE: Yeah, I just wish I had a normal family. I don't know. Gary Trudeau. Yeah, him and Jane Pauley. Now there is a nice family. JOEL: Don't flatter yourself. Your family is no crazier than any other American nuclear unit, believe me. MAGGIE: Oh yeah? What would you say to a father who at fifty eight years old, quits his job and buys a buffalo ranch in South Dakota? JOEL: I'd say I would not be surprised if he had a daughter who is a bush pilot in the wilds of Alaska. MAGGIE: Fine, Fleishman, fine. JOEL: Psychologically, separation is all part of becoming a normal healthy adult. And eventually, we all grow up and we realise there we are all loony in our own unique and highly individualised ways. MAGGIE: Maybe you're right. JOEL: Shall we get this show on the road? MAGGIE: Yeah. JOEL: Great. I'll grab this (takes suitcase). MAGGIE: Okay. They leave. Shots of a plane and Detroit landmarks. JOEL and MAGGIE drive up to her mother's house and get out. The house is very expensive looking. JOEL: I like it. MAGGIE: Fleishman… JOEL: I do. I mean these people are clearly comfortable being in the upper tenth of one percent. Is this yours here? MAGGIE: Yep. JOEL: It's nice. (points next door) That one's nice too. MAGGIE: Yeah, that's the Bennetts. Kellys across the street. That colonial is uh, the Greens. JOEL: And where would the Greenbergs be? MAGGIE: Greenbergs? JOEL: Yeah. MAGGIE: I don't remember any Greenbergs. (off JOELs look) What? JOEL: No Greenbergs, no Greenblacks. I bet there isn't a Jew within ten radio miles of here. MAGGIE: Fleishman that is not true, we had Jews. JOEL: Name one. MAGGIE: Debbie Ellis. She was Jewish. JOEL: Ellis? Uh uh. No that's not a Jewish name, O'Connell. MAGGIE: She was Jewish I'm sure of it. Her father or somebody. Besides, she was - you know? JOEL: What? MAGGIE: Smart. Smart and funny. (enters the house) Hello? STEPHIE: Maggie, hi, you made it! (they hug) You look wonderful. I don't know what your mom's talking about, I love you hair that way. It's so cute. MAGGIE: This is Dr Joel Fleishman, Fleishman this is my sister-in-law Stephie. JOEL: Hi. (shakes hands) MAGGIE: So, what's going on? Where's Grammy? STEPHIE: Upstairs. MAGGIE: Upstairs? STEPHIE: Mhm. Well, your mom's upstairs too. A man (JEFFEY) comes into the hall, rooting through STEPHIEs purse. JEFFEY: Steph? Here's your pocketbook. I can't find a Kleenex. (sees MAGGIE) Woah. Hey squirrel face. They hug, JOEL laughs at the nickname. MAGGIE: Jeffey, long time no see, huh? JEFFEY: Yeah. MAGGIE: Oh. This is Dr Joel Fleishman. Fleishman this is Jeffrey O'Connell, my brother. JOEL: Hi. How are you? JEFFEY: Jeffey. JOEL: Jeffey. MAGGIE: So, mom and Grammy are upstairs? JEFFEY: Yeah, for hours now. MAGGIE: She's alright, isn't she? JEFFEY: Oh yeah. Nothing a straightjacket and a week in the booby hatch wouldn't fix. (shouts upstairs) Oh mom? Any progress? MAGGIEs mother (JANE) comes down the stairs. JANE: Oh, not one whit! (sees MAGGIE) Oh, Mary Margaret… MAGGIE: (as they hug) Hey, mother…. JANE: I'm so glad you're here. Did you remember to take Oak Grove like I told you to? They've had Mills Road torn up for six months now. MAGGIE: Yes mother. Mother, what's going on? JANE: Oh your grandmothers locked herself in the bathroom. Of all days to pull a stunt like this. Joel, so glad to see you could make it. (re cases) Here, let's put these in the closet. MAGGIE: Mother, mother? Grammy locked herself in the bathroom? JANE: Mhm. MAGGIE: Why? Why did Grammy lock herself in the bathroom? JANE: It's beyond me. Everybody came and I went up, and she was in the bathroom and she wouldn't come out. I have been up and down these stairs three times. I've run out of ideas. Why don't you take a crack at her, dear? MAGGIE, JANE, JEFFEY and STEPHIE troop up the stairs, leaving JOEL alone in the hall. MAGGIE knocks on the bathroom door. MAGGIE: Grammy! Grammy what's going on? Are you okay? GRAMMY: Who is it? MAGGIE: Well it's me - Mary Margaret. GRAMMY: Is that you, Mary Margaret? MAGGIE: Yeah, Grammy, it's me. GRAMMY: What are you doing here? MAGGIE: Well, it was supposed to be a surprise. Um, are you coming down any time soon? GRAMMY: No. MAGGIE: Well can I come in? GRAMMY: Are you alone? (pause) Jane, take all your busy bees and clear out of here, or I am going to turn on all the faucets and flood this house, do you hear me? JANE: Yes mother. The rest of them leave. MAGGIE: Okay, Grammy they're gone. It's just me. GRAMMY drags MAGGIE into the bathroom and locks the door behind them. GRAMMY: Okay. Come in, quick. Your mother threatened to call the fire department, like I was a stray cat up a tree. MAGGIE: Grammy…what's going on? I mean are you okay? GRAMMY: I'm looking for a match, you don't happen to have one do you? MAGGIE: A match? Uh, no. Grammy look, everybody's downstairs. Don't you want to go downstairs? GRAMMY: No, you go on ahead. I don't wanna go. MAGGIE: Are you okay? GRAMMY: I'm fine, dear. I just - I don't know. I came in here to do my hair, and I simply didn't feel like going. Maybe I couldn't face the thought of another honey ham. MAGGIE: Well you look pretty Grammy. You really do. GRAMMY: Look what I found in the medicine chest - an old bottle of lilac water. Now what was it doing in the chest? Who uses it any more? MAGGIE: I don't know, it's always been there though. GRAMMY: My mother used to sop it all over herself. (smells it) Oh. Eww, it's turned. Pretty bottle. You want it? MAGGIE: No. I don't think so. GRAMMY: Me neither. Would you do me a favour? I have matches under my pillow. MAGGIE: Matches underneath your pillow? GRAMMY: Well, I smoke at night when everybody's sleeping. Would you get 'em for me? MAGGIE: Grammy. You know smoking's bad for you. GRAMMY: I'm eighty years old, Mary Margaret. What could happen? MAGGIE: Okay. Alright. I'll get you an ashtray too. She leaves. GRAMMY locks the door behind her. Cut to JOEL in the living room with two old ladies (the CAFFEY sisters). The rest of the guests are sat around the room. CAFFEY Sister: So tell us Joel, how did you and Mary Margaret meet? JOEL: Well you know. In a town of 849 people, I couldn't not meet her. CAFFEY Sister: Isn't that interesting. JEFFEY: I take it Joel, you're not one of these snow shoe and dog sled kooks like my sis? JOEL: Not me, I'm actually fulfilling a contractual obligation to the state of Alaska. There's a little dispute over the length of service, but- JEFFEY: I don't get it. What exactly is she doing up there? I mean this plane flying thing what's that, some Amelia Earheart Complex? STEPHIE: Anyone for a devilled egg? They're yummy. REV HARDING reaches for one, but STEPHIE doesn't notice and takes the tray away. STEPHIE: Joel? JOEL: Uh, no. Thanks. JEFFEY: Take a look around here, Joel. Please. What do you think is so wrong with this place? Streets too clean? Not enough junk cars parked on the lawn? I think it's time little Mary Margaret turned in her Euro rail pass and her knapsack, and took her place in the carpool. STEPHIE: Why would you say that Jeffey? I think she's very brave. To set off on her own like that. I'm very proud of her. JEFFEY: Brave? Everybody knows it's the loose screws that leave home, Stephie. The malcontents. Misfires. The square pegs. (doorbell rings) I'll get it. I mean, am I wrong, Joel? He leaves as JOEL starts to answer and is interrupted by REV HARDING. REV HARDING: Excuse me. Fleishman - is that German? JOEL: Um, yeah, actually. Yiddish German. REV HARDING: Oh. CAFFEY Sister: You know, Joel, the Reverend Harding's father, Reverend Harding? Was our pastor for forty-two years until he passed on last year. Other CAFFEY sister: We like to say Dwight went into the family business. The sisters laugh. JEFFEY: Joel. Hey Joel, get over here. C'mere. I want you to meet a close friend of the family. Jed Fleming, this is Dr Joel Fleishman. JED: How do you do? JOEL: Good. JEFFEY: My sister's new hedge against inflation. Dragged him down here all the way from Alaska. JED: Is that right? Didn't know Maggie was bringing somebody. JEFFEY: Cold one for ya, Jed? JED: That'd be great, thanks Jeffey. (to JOEL) Sorry I'm late. Just put in a new hold on the Fortune Five. It's a 48 footer, three masts. Nice little schooner. STEPHIE: Devilled egg? JED: Definitely, thanks. STEPHIE: (to JOEL) Sure? JOEL: Yeah. JEFFEY: (passes JED a beer) There you go. JED: Thanks. So where's Maggie? JEFFEY: Hey, good question. Cut to the bathroom. MAGGIE: Yeah, he was a lot of fun. GRAMMY: Well, was he a keeper? MAGGIE: Rick? A keeper? GRAMMY: Well you know, if he hadn't been smooshed by that satellite, were there marriage plans on the horizon? MAGGIE: Marriage with uh, Rick? GRAMMY: It's not so uncommon, is it? MAGGIE: Well no, I guess not. We talked, but it was just talk. GRAMMY: What kind of talk is that? MAGGIE: Well you know. Big wedding, small wedding, how many kids. That sort of thing, but it was never really serious. I mean, I never got a ring or anything like that. GRAMMY: Oh I'm sorry. MAGGIE: No, no no. Really? I didn't care. GRAMMY: Why not? MAGGIE: Well I cared, but I just didn't care care, you know? Besides, at his funeral this other girlfriend shows up, then I find out he had a different one for each day of the week. Well anyway, even before that I didn't care, really. Truthfully. I didn't. About marriage. Well, at least to him. GRAMMY: Good for you. JANE knocks on the bathroom door. JANE: Mother! This is it. GRAMMY: Jane? Do you have wax in your ears? I told you to go away! JANE: Mother, this has gone on long enough, now I'm putting the ham on the table, the buffet is set. And we are lighting that cake in five minutes flat. GRAMMY: (to MAGGIE) She's bluffing, she's planning to eat at four anyway. JANE: I am not kidding! Now this has - this has ceased to be humorous. Mary Margaret, are you still in there? MAGGIE: Yes, mother. JANE: Good. Now you get your grandmother downstairs right now or I'll…I don't know what I'll do, but this is not very nice. GRAMMY: Jane, I said go away, leave me alone, scram, scat! JANE: That is just incredibly rude! GRAMMY: I think that did it. (looks for her cigarettes) Oh, I'm almost out! MAGGIE: Y'know, maybe I'd better go smooth her feathers. GRAMMY: She always made me feel guilty, too. MAGGIE: Mother? GRAMMY: Well don't be surprised, she's been pulling that ever since she was a little girl. Poor Jane, always getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop. MAGGIE: Passive-aggressive. GRAMMY: Is that what they call it? MAGGIE: Mmm. Can I have a puff? GRAMMY: Well don't hotbox it. MAGGIE: Okay, I won't. Cut to the REV HARDING and JOEL alone in the dining room. JOEL is helping himself to some food. JOEL: Well, we know one thing for sure. REV HARDING: What's that? JOEL: We won't run out of mayonnaise. Tell me something. What don't you guys put this stuff on? The way you spread it around, you'd think it was mortar. REV HARDING: (laughs nervously) I guess. Say Joel, do you mind if I ask you a…personal question? JOEL: Four hundred sixty five a month after taxes, no I'm not married and I haven't had sex in two years. (off the reverend's shocked look) You said personal. REV HARDING: Oh, oh. No, I had a different sort of question in mind. JOEL: Yeah, shoot. REV HARDING: (earnest) Okay, um. It seems to me, and uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but the practice of Judaism is a system of ethical behaviour. You follow the law. I mean there's no thought about eternal reward. JOEL: Eternal reward, what, you mean like heaven? REV HARDING: Right. And uh, don't get me wrong - I like the idea of goodness for it's own sake - but on the other hand, doesn't it…well, gnaw at you? The thought that there's no afterlife, that this is it. That when we die there's nothing? JOEL: Hmm. REV HARDING: I mean even if that were true, how do you live with that? How can you stand it? JOEL: (thinks) Well you know, I - I'll tell you, Reverend. I mean speaking for myself, not as a spokesperson for the entire Jewish faith. Because, I mean that would be impossible, I mean when was the last time you heard ten Jews agree on anything? Except maybe Israel. But for me, Reverend, for me the fact that when we die we are nothing more than worm meat? I just don't think about it. JANE comes into the room. JANE: Oh, good. Everyone's helping themselves. We can be happy can't we even if mother won't come down? JOEL: Excuse me, Mrs O'Connell, is there a phone that I can use? I just want to call that box office and double check on the tip off time. JANE: Right through that door there. JOEL: Great, thank you. Excuse me. JOEL goes through the door into the kitchen, where STEPHIE is sniffling and preparing food. JOEL: Hi. Excuse me I was just told that I could use this phone here. STEPHIE: (crying) Oh of course, go ahead. Don't mind me. JOEL: Are you alright? STEPHIE: Yes. I just hate him so much. JOEL: Who? STEPHIE: Jeffey. JOEL: Oh. STEPHIE: You know what he said today? He said 'maybe you wouldn't cry so much if you had a job'. A job - now he is the one who told me he did not want me to work. I would've worked. I mean, I know I cry a lot. I know that. But I didn't used to. JOEL: Can I get you anything? Maybe a glass of water, aspirin or something? STEPHIE: I'm leaving him tomorrow, but don't tell anyone. Do you promise? JOEL: Okay. STEPHIE: Because nobody knows. JOEL: Okay. STEPHIE: So. You can't tell anyone, okay? JOEL: Who would I tell? Look uh, you know what? Maybe - I bet there's another phone in another room. I'll leave you alone. STEPHIE: Mhm. As he leaves the kitchen, a couple of children run into him and he spills his drink down himself. JOEL: Great. That's great. Oh god. Cut to the bathroom. MAGGIE and GRAMMY are sitting near the window, sharing a cigarette. MAGGIE: So what did Dr Swainey say? GRAMMY: Oh, I didn't go to Swainey, he would have just found something wrong. MAGGIE: But Grammy, they can do incredible things these days, they could put in a whole new knee. GRAMMY: When would it stop? My knee, my hip, my heart? I'm eighty years old; of course my cartilage is wearing out. My uh, important organs just keep chugging along. It's embarrassing. What do you think of this watch? MAGGIE: Your engagement watch, it's beautiful. GRAMMY: Here, take it. MAGGIE: No… GRAMMY: You can have it. MAGGIE: No, no, Grammy it was, it was -no, I can't take this. GRAMMY: I never liked it. Pink gold, I wanted yellow gold, nobody wore pink gold. I don't know what he was thinking. See? It's the wrong tone for my skin colour, too. All he had to do was look. MAGGIE: Well, you could have exchanged it. GRAMMY: Oh, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. The ironic thing is that everything is pink gold today, everywhere you look. Not yellow gold, pink gold like that one. MAGGIE: Mm. GRAMMY: Are you thirsty? I could use a drink. MAGGIE: You wanna go down now? GRAMMY: Do you? MAGGIE: No. GRAMMY: Everybody I want to see is dead. First the men one by one, now even the widows are dying off. I'm the only one here. And I don't even know what I'm doing here. MAGGIE: Grammy. GRAMMY: But I'm so glad you're here. Your poor grandfather, he would have gotten such a kick out of you. Cut to the kitchen. JOEL is trying to scrub off the stain on his pants, JEFFEY is fixing the ice, JED is sat down, smoking. JEFFEY: Where the hell is Stephie? Typical, she told mom she'd help, now who's fixing the ice, and filling the drinks…I'm sick of her episodes; she's about that far away. JED: So Joel, what kind of medicine do you do? JOEL: Actually, general practice. JED: Smart. You get out of med school and hit the ground running. Not gonna waste all those extra years sub-specializing. JOEL: Well actually I did a sub, in pulmonary diseases. JED: Pulmonary? JOEL: Lungs, you know, asthma? Emphysema (nods at JEDs cigarette) everything related to those things. JED: Yeah. JOEL: What do you do? JED: Stock Market. I got a little brokerage here in town. JEFFEY: Little? Jedster's got twenty guys in the bull pen, hasn't done me any harm. JED: I got a lot of doctors for clients. You ever want to put together a portfolio give me a buzz. (gives JOEL a business card) JOEL: Oh, okay. Thanks. JED: You know I used to date Maggie. Did you know that? JOEL: No, I didn't know that. JED: Yeah, summer of eighty six. We had a pretty heavy thing going (to JOEL trying to open the bin) there's a step at the bottom. JOEL: She never mentioned it. JED: No? Girl's a regular water rat - fearless sailor. When she gets her hands on that tiller you can't pry 'em off. You sail? JOEL: No. I row. JEFFEY: Ah, damn it. JOEL: Let me help you there. JEFFEY: What is so hard about fixing an ice maker? Mother has enough time for sixteen divorce seminars, and she can't call a repair man? JED: Hey Joel, why don't you and Maggie come down to the marina tomorrow? I'll show you the boat, take you out on a tour. JOEL: Oh, we can't. We got an early flight. JED: Well let's go by the club later for a drink. You know after they blow the candles out. They got a good jazz band on the weekends. JOEL: Tonight? No. We got tickets to the Pistons game. JANE comes in with an empty dish. JANE: I'm selling a lot of macaroni salad today. I think it's the chopped gherkin pickles. JEFFEY: No way, mom, it's the mayo. JANE: (looking at JOELs pants) How's it coming, Joel? I'm so sorry it was cranberry juice. Oh, try a little of this. (pours salt on the stain) Here. (to JEFFEY) Oh, you're doing the ice - you and Stephie are my Rocks of Gibraltar, I don't know what I'd do without you. Bring out the ice would you dear? Oh and don't let the reverend sit out there by himself for too long? She leaves. JED: So, Joel you're a basketball fan? JOEL: Oh big time. Brown ball, that's my game. JED: Is that right? JOEL: Oh yeah. JED: You play or do you just like to watch? JOEL: No, I play. JED: Well it's getting kind of slow around here, I mean, they got a board out back - just thought it might be kind of fun to shoot some. JOEL: Oh? JED: Hey, what am I talking about, you been on a plane all day, you're probably beat. JOEL: No no no, I feel alright. JED: Yeah? JOEL: Yeah. JED: Good. Well I'll take a whiz and uh, see ya court side. Jeffey? JOEL: What do you say Jeffey? JEFFEY: Nah, nah you guys go ahead, mom needs me. JOEL: Yeah, you sure? JEFFEY: Yeah. Uh, the balls and basket are in there. Hey you got any sneakers Joel? JOEL: Yeah. Actually I do. JEFFEY: Watch it out there; he's a murderer in the pink. (as MAGGIE enters) Hey, sis. MAGGIE: Jeffey…Hey Fleishman. (looks around) Cigarettes. JOEL: Well it's about time. Where the hell have you been? Did you get her down yet? MAGGIE: No. She doesn't want to come down. JOEL: What do you mean she doesn't want to come down? You gotta get her down. C'mon, let's get this show on the road, alright? Cake and ice cream; she'll blow out the candles. We got three hours till tip off, alright? MAGGIE: Y'know Fleishman, it's the most amazing thing. I've always thought of my Grammy as just my Grammy? But now I'm knowing her as this fellow person. As a woman. JOEL: Oh, well that's just peachy. You know I feel for you and your Grammy, but you've abandoned me here in a house full of strangers with yet another one of your ex boyfriends. MAGGIE: Ex boyfriend? JOEL: Yeah, Jed? MAGIIE: Oh, Jed. Yeah. Everyone wanted me to marry Jed. JOEL: Ahah. MAGGIE: Ahah what? JOEL: Oh. Well that would explain why he wants to rip my heart out and stomp on it while it's still beating. MAGGIE: Fleishman, what are you ragging about now? JOEL: Well old Jedster's still carrying a major blowtorch for you. MAGGIE: Don't be ridiculous. Scotch, bourbon, glass of ice. Would you just be a big boy and try to have a good time? JOEL: Get back her, where are you going? Two hours, we're out of here. Do you understand that? MAGGIE: Grammy's thirsty. Have a nice game. JOEL: (to self) Sneakers. Cut to the yard, where JOEL is bouncing the basketball. JED: Hey, I'm impressed. Left-handed, how d'you pick it up? JOEL: My Aunt Ruth, when I was twelve. JED: Your Aunt Ruth? JOEL: Took me to a Van Clibern concert at Carnegie Hall? I don't even know what the programme was, Schubert or Rachmaninov. Tell you the truth I had a hard time staying awake, but she kept poking me in the ribs and she'd say 'Joel, watch his left hand, it's as good as his right. You wanna play with the big boy's you gotta have a good left'. (he scores) Oh Yeah. Cut to the kitchen. REV HARDING: Hi Stephie. Do you mind, I just need to get a glass of water? STEPHIE: Oh, sure. (she gets him a drink) REV HARDING: Well, everyone seems to be having a good time. STEPHIE: I'm leaving Jeffey. Our marriage is over. REV HARDING: (polite) Oh. STEPHIE: Never should have married him in the first place, but what else was I supposed to do? There I was, twenty year old psyche major- hah - psyche major… REV HARDING: Ah.. STEPHIE: I wasn't serious about a career, I was in college to find a husband and why not, that's what I was brought up to do. I tried to be a good wife, I really tried. REV HARDING: (nervous) I'm sure you did. STEPHIE: Six years. What do I have to show for it? We don't even have a child together. Jeffey always said a baby would ruin my figure; my waist would go breasts would fall, as if he would even notice. You know I have a body you could break bricks on. My waist is as flat as a skillet, my breasts float. (the reverend drinks the whole glass) And what do I do? I take courses. Thai cooking, photography, folk dancing. Be really funny if it wasn't so pathetic. (the reverend chokes) Reverend, are you okay? REV HARDING: Um, yes… (holds glass out) please… REV HARDING: (takes fresh drink) Thank you. STEPHIE: Reverend, your colour's not very good… REV HARDING: No? JANE: Oh, excuse me, I just have to get my shawl. Is everything alright? STEPHIE: Oh fine. We're just having a talk. JANE: Oh good. You know the boys are having a fun game of basketball outside. You don't want to miss it. Cut to the yard. JED and JOEL are baiting each other as they play. JANE comes out. JANE: Jeffey? JEFFEY: Yeah, mom. JANE: I think you should know that Stephie's in the kitchen and her eyes were very red. JEFFEY: She's not near the knife thrower is she? JANE: Oh, Jeffey… JEFFEY: Lock up all the flammable solvents. JANE: I'm serious Jeffey. JEFFEY: Look, mom, you wanna get serious? Why don't you worry about the infrastructure around this place? The garage roof has a hole in it the size of a bowling ball. Look at this. These are my hockey skates, they're ruined. JANE: I'm sorry dear, but your father took care of that end. JEFFEY: Maybe you should have thought about that before you started papering him. JANE: Somebody had to get off their duff. JEFFEY: (re skates) There go the Olympics. JED: (to JOEL) So, is Maggie still into those moonlight skinny dips? JOEL: Maggie skinny dipping, huh? JED: Well I don't wanna tell tales out of school or anything, but- JOEL: Can't be much to tell… JED: Why's that? JOEL: Cause the only guy who's gotten lucky is popping daisies 'bout now. MAGGIE: (from bathroom window) Woah! Get him Fleishman, hit him where it hurts. You too Jedster, stick him. JED: Hey Maggie, you look great. Me and Joel are just playing a little basketball out here. MAGGIE: Your hair, it's shorter. I like it. JED: Oh you do? Thanks. Yeah I was just thinking about letting it grow, maybe. Hey, why don't you come on down? MAGGIE: Oh well, I'm a little busy up here right now. JOEL: C'mon Romeo, balcony scenes over, come on. JED: Why don't you save me a few minutes, lets catch up on things? MAGGIE: Ta ta boys, have fun. Cut to the bathroom. MAGGIE: Look at that. Hah! He's actually having fun. GRAMMY: Who's that, dear? MAGGIE: Fleishman. Fleishman having fun? What a concept. GRAMMY: (looking in magazine) This woman is fifty years old. Hard to believe, she looks thirty five. Oh and this ones fifty three. She doesn't look a day over forty. MAGGIE: Whose is that, Leah's? GRAMMY: Its one of Jane's. You know when we were fifty, we looked fifty and that was that. No one wants to look their age today. I wonder why not. It's odd, isn't it? Like you see those old farts, driving around in their convertibles. MAGGIE: Could you pass me the sherry please? GRAMMY: How are your orgasms? MAGGIE: What? GRAMMY: Says here, how are your orgasms on a scale of one to ten? What about you Maggie, one or ten? MAGGIE: Me? GRAMMY: What a question, huh? But a big topic, sex. I knew so many couples that were unhappy that way. Bill and I used to tell each other how tremendously lucky we were. Of course we were novices when we started. Oh well, he'd been around a little bit, but - it just got better and better. We used to surprise ourselves sometimes. You'd never think to look at us at the bad things we did that were so good. JANE: (knocking on door) Mother? Open this door this minute. GRAMMY: God, that woman is a pest! MAGGIE: Mother, look we're just talking! Can't you just leave us alone? JANE: Look you don't have to come out. But why can't I come in? Can I? Come on, let me in. I promise I won't do anything. GRAMMY: Maybe you'd better go. MAGGIE: Really? GRAMMY: Oh it's the sherry, I have to pee dear. MAGGIE: Oh. Okay. Mom? I'm coming out. GRAMMY: Jane, get away from the door. MAGGIE: (leaving bathroom) Hello mother. JANE: What is her problem, is it me? Is it? It is me isn't it? MAGGIE: No mother, it's not. JANE: I'll tell you what it is, I wouldn't stop so she could buy lottery tickets. Well I don't care what she says, I think it's appalling all those poor people lining up at convenience stores throwing their money away on foolish things. MAGGIE: Mother it isn't the lottery tickets and I swear it isn't you. JANE: What's going on in there then? Why is she talking to you and not me? I want you to know Mary Margaret, it is not easy living with her. With her Rush Limbaugh on the radio and her TV blaring at all hours of the night. MAGGIE: Mother? Look, we're just talking. We're just talking. JANE: Well about what then? MAGGIE: Sex. JANE: Sex?!? MAGGIE: Sex. JANE: Alright fine. The two of you have fun at your little party, in your little bathroom. Excuse me. I have a houseful of guests who need my attention. Cut to the yard. JOEL and JED are still playing, the party guests are cheering them on. JED clutches his chest. JOEL: What happened? Hey, are you alright? Cut to JED being wheeled away on a stretcher. ALL the guests are stood around. JED: I don't need to go to the hospital, it's probably just something I ate. All that macaroni salad. REV HARDING: You're going to be fine. JED: I know I'm gonna be fine, I am fine. CAFFEY Sister: Watch your valuables, Jed. When my good friend Betty went in for a hysterectomy they stole her pearl earrings. JED: (to paramedics) Can I at least take these damn things out of my nose? JOEL: (to JANE, STEPHIE and JEFFEY) He's gonna be fine. He just needs a couple of tests. The important thing is that his pulse is regular, and it's strong. My guess is it's uh, angina maybe a little heart attack. It's possibly not even cardiac, so I mean, we don't have to worry. STEPHIE: (crying) Poor Jed. JEFFEY: He just said he's going to be fine, Stephie. JANE: It's all my fault. Grown men playing like little boy's, I should have put my foot down. MAGGIE: (from bathroom window) Hey Jed! Don't let those quacks boss you around, make 'em give you a private room. GRAMMY: (from bathroom window) Bye bye. CAFFEY Sister: Here Jed, I got you a nice big piece of cake, too bad you're gonna miss Grammy blowing out the candles. I would have put some ice cream on it, but we thought it might melt. The guests say goodbye to Jed as he is loaded on to the ambulance. Cut to the hallway. JOEL is sat on his own as the REV HARDING enters and sits down next to him. REV HARDING: Hi. JOEL: Hi. REV HARDING: Whew. What a day. I feel so awful. JOEL: Aw, Reverend, come on. That was probably the best thing that could have happened to Jed. REV HARDING: I wasn't talking about Jed, I was talking about me. I am just not any good at trauma. Emotional, I mean. JOEL: How so? REV HARDING: Well. People start to talk to me about their personal problems, and I just want to run away. I don't want to hear that they're, you know cheating on their wives, or that their children hate them. I just want to flee. JOEL: Well, you know I, I - That would definitely be a handicap in your line of work. REV HARDING: It is. You should have seen my dad, Joel. He was always at ease with people. He said that I would get used to ministering. I just needed to get my feet wet. Get some experience. But I haven't gotten used to it, if anything it's just gotten harder. JOEL: You know I remember this guy in my first year of medical school. He was a smart guy, nice guy, but the day came for us to pull the sheets back from our cadavers, and well, he just chucked all over his shoes. REV HARDING: But he got used to it. JOEL: No, no, he never did actually. I believe he went into pharmaceuticals. The reverend sighs. Cut to the dining room. JEFFEY walks in, STEPHIE is sniffling. JEFFEY: You know Stephie, mom's got enough problems with Grammy locking herself in the can without you getting her all worked up. One day, just one day you couldn't turn off the tap? STEPHIE: I'm leaving, Jeffey. JEFFEY: Why? Grammy's got to come out, she can't sleep in there. STEPHIE: No I'm - I'm leaving you. I got an apartment on Royal Oak. JEFFEY: What do you mean you got an apartment? STEPHIE: I got an apartment. Two bedrooms and a balcony and I'm moving out. JEFFEY: Wait a minute. You didn't put down a deposit, did you? Please tell me you didn't sign anything. STEPHIE: A lease. JEFFEY: Oh that's great. That's just great. Now I'm gonna have to go down to Dan Ashford on Monday to get you out of it. STEPHIE: No, I don't want to get out of this apartment, Jeffey. I want to get out of this marriage. JEFFEY: Come on, Stephie. Where do you think you're going to go? Where do you think you're going to get a job? What car did you think you were going to take - hey, forget the jeep. STEPHIE: I don't want the jeep, I hate the jeep. Four wheel drive in the suburbs, we never go anywhere. JEFFEY: This is ridiculous. STEPHIE: Yes it is. JEFFEY: Stephie, you can't even write a check by yourself. I mean, you- you can't get the garage door open. Remember that time you waited all day for me to get home, to go down and get your golf clubs out of the basement because you wouldn't go down there by yourself? STEPHIE: Well apartments don't have basements. (she leaves) JEFFEY: Six weeks. You'll be back. Cut to the hallway. MAGGIE sees STEPHIE. MAGGIE: Hey, Stephie. What's going on? STEPHIE: Nothing. MAGGIE: Are you okay? STEPHIE: Am I okay? Yes, I am. MAGGIE: Oh. Well good. STEPHIE: I'm leaving Jeffey. MAGGIE: You're leaving Jeffey? STEPHIE: I know he's your brother. He's just so cold and petty and full of himself. MAGGIE: Yeah, I know. STEPHIE: Wish Grammy happy birthday for me. JOEL: Hey. Are you ready? Let's go. MAGGIE: Stephie's leaving Jeffey. JOEL: Yeah I know, I heard. But we're really running late. MAGGIE: Oh well that's really sensitive, Fleishman. My sister in law's walking out on my brother. JOEL: Look. Believe me. I am torn up about it - there is nothing we can do, alright? I am sorry, I am really sorry but I don't want to miss this game, so can we please get going? MAGGIE: No. Grammy wants to talk to you. JOEL: Grammy? She wants to talk to me? What could she possibly want to talk to me about? MAGGIE: I don't know Fleishman, all I know is that she wants to see you. JOEL: I am not missing this game, alright? I didn't fly five thousand miles to be thirty minutes away from Auburn Hills and to miss the tip off, alright? I am not. I have fulfilled my end, I have played the part, I am not gonna miss this game, understand me. What I'm saying. I am not. With or without you, I am going to that game. (off MAGGIEs look) Alright. Alright you have two minutes. Cut to the bathroom. Joel knocks. GRAMMY: It's open. JOEL: Hi. GRAMMY: Hello. JOEL: You wanted to see me, Mrs… GRAMMY: Stowe. Come on in. Shut the door. JOEL: Look um, I think I should tell you, you know, I mean if this is about Maggie and I - if she's led you to believe that I'm something other than what I am, I just want to say that I'm a friend. You know, well, not a friend really, but- GRAMMY: She says she doesn't fancy you. She likes the other one, the sickly boy. JOEL: Mike? GRAMMY: Yes. She says he's very courageous. Battling for clean air and whatnot. JOEL: Oh. GRAMMY: She thinks he's the cat's pyjamas. JOEL: Why exactly do you want to see me, Mrs Stowe? GRAMMY: Oh, I've never met a Jewish person before. JOEL: I'm sorry? GRAMMY: Well, Bill - that was my husband, he said that he met one once. In New York. JOEL: Yeah, well there are definitely a lot of us in the Big Apple. Fact is, we're all over the place now, so- GRAMMY: Well you're not in Grosse Point. No the only Jewish people I've ever seen, are on TV comedies. Seinfeld and that little know it all on Murphy Brown. And those nice people on Brooklyn Bridge. JOEL: Look it's been - really nice, I'm glad I got a chance to meet you but, see I have this basketball game to get to so… GRAMMY: Oh I wouldn't worry about it, Joel. JOEL: The game? GRAMMY: Mike. Sit down. Here. You see, when Jane was five, Bill and I separated. Well I'd been married young, and here I was in my mid-twenties with a husband and a little girl, a big house. I thought I had everything I'd want. But somehow, my life seemed over. I don't know but maybe I just wanted to stir things up. So I told Bill I thought it'd be a good idea if we got away from each other for a little while. I sent him away. I started going out with other men. There was that tall Ralph Henley, with the beautiful white teeth. He was very nice. Oh, but I missed Bill - I missed his smell. I asked him back and he did come and that was that. Jane once said that she seemed to remember a time when she was very young, when her father wasn't living with us. I told her it was just a dream. Well, she would have held it against me. MAGGIE: (knocking) Fleishman, Grammy? JOEL: Uh, what? MAGGIE: Hey. Time. JOEL: For what? MAGGIE: For a basketball game, remember? GRAMMY: Well it's alright. I'm ready to go now. MAGGIE: Okay. Cut to the living room as Grammy enters. GRAMMY: Hello everyone. Reverend Harding. REV HARDING: Happy birthday Elizabeth. Uh, you know, I wrote a little homily, just for the occasion. It's, uh, (searches pockets) I must have left it somewhere. GRAMMY: (kindly) It's alright Dwight. (to CAFFEY sisters) Hello girls. How are the Abyssinians? CAFFEY Sister: Delilah had a litter of seven. Other CAFFEY Sister: There were eight, but we lost one. GRAMMY: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Jeffey, why the sour puss? CAFFEY Sister: Stephie left Jeffey. GRAMMY: Stephie left Jeffey? Other CAFFEY Sister: She forgot her mittens. GRAMMY: Oh. Remind me to send her a thank you note. (goes to JANE) Jane. JANE: The Pattersons and the Reeds got tired of waiting. They went home. GRAMMY: Oh, let's not do that. JANE: I was so embarrassed I didn't know what to say to them. I hope you're satisfied. GRAMMY: Well, here we all are. Oh, it's so nice of you all to come. Now, let's go in and open my presents, shall we? Everyone leaves. MAGGIE is left with GRAMMY. MAGGIE: Happy birthday Grammy. GRAMMY: Thank you darling. Grammy follows the others. MAGGIE is left alone until JOEL arrives. MAGGIE: What? JOEL: I think I owe you an apology, O'Connell. MAGGIE: How's that? JOEL: Well, you know how when you said your family was crazy, and I went on about maturation and the separation process? MAGGIE: Mhm. Vintage Fleishman. JOEL: I don't know. It's a sound psychiatric construct. But. In your case, I think I recant. I mean, you're right. You got yourself… a regular loony bin here. It's absolutely incredible that you survived. I don't know, I guess you must be made of something. MAGGIE: Thanks, Fleishman. Let's go. End Credits. | |
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